Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
