mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
