Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize