My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I need to calm my uterus...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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