i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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