I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
