did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
