Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
