I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
