So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
