Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
