I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
