apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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