The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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