Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
