I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
