i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Randomize
