i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
