in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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