It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
