the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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