So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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