and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
