mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
