So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
