Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
