hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
