I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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