This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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