a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
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