u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
