I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize