Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize