tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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