your parents love me but you hate me
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
