Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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