Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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