I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
