u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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