someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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