she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
