i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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