I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
