Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
