I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
