you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
