the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
