Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
