your parents love me but you hate me
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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