u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
