Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize