I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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