youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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