god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
