He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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