in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
