I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
