Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
