My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
