he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize