I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
