her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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