I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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