i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
