I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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