I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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