So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You left your underwear on the fireplace
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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