I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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